Welcome to Hadleyville, the most lawless place in the whole Territory of New Mexico. What makes this place so bad? Why, that would be you, pardner, and all the other low-down snakes that live here. Problem is that Statehood is coming and the Federales are looking to pull this place right out from under you. The undertaker, Ewell Dye, has called a town meeting at the Ramirez Saloon to figure out what to do. Watch your back, buckaroo. Folks are about to get even nastier.

The Matriarch of a wealthy family is gravely ill and wishing to settle her estate. First, her long lost younger son must be declared officially dead. That’s where the fun begins! Join in as you and the other intensely greedy relatives gather to memorialize “Little Dickie” and battle for position to receive the lion’s share of the family’s $13 billion fortune. Be careful at this gathering, however, the next memorial could be for you.

Come a runnin’, cousins, ’cause it’s time again for the annual family reunion and the whole Freagan family is gonna be there! We’re gonna have vittles, singin’, hootin’ and hollerin’ and, of course, no family gathering would be complete without the annual pig-calling contest! Dang, you might even win a big ol’ slop bucket full of money! Yeehaw! Best watch your step on the farm this year, though. Pa’s been hitting the moonshine a might too hard and is about to lose the farm to that no good snake, Beauregard Hogwallerin! When the girls find out, somebody could end up on the barbecue!

You and the rest of the Bangalone Gang are in deep trouble. Big Louie’s been beaned by a bocci ball and now he ain’t thinking so good. The gang’s got to figure out what to do before arch rival gang leader “Muscles” Marinara has you rubbed out. You better move fast. Word on the street is that ruthless hitman Jake “The Weasel” is on the way.

High on a hill died a lonely goatherd and some people around the Abbey are beginning to get the idea that sweet little Maria just might be a budding serial killer. Is she now at sixteen, going on seventeen? What exactly are her favorite things? Mother Abbess and her new assistant, Sister Adolph, are calling in all nuns and townsfolk to decide what to do. Even the pompous Captain Von Trampp and his bratty children will be there. Don’t be late. You don’t want Sister Adolph shaking her carrot at you.

Professor Barry Biggins has a problem. Azalia Dimwittle has completely failed every attempt to elevate her from Cockney flower girl to aristocratic lady. She simply hasn’t gotten it, never will get it, and now everyone has just about had it. To make matters worse, she’s invited you and the rest of her conniving family over to the Professor’s house for her father’s birthday party. By George, I think she’s going to get it (if she doesn’t get them first).

Holy St. Patrick on a stick! Someone has stolen the pot of gold and now you and all the other leprechauns of Clover Union Local Number 7 have your little tails in a spin. The president of your local, Jimmy Jack Daniels O’Toole, is demanding that you get your wee bottoms over to the pub as fast as your little feet can go. If the International Fellowship of Little Knickers finds out about this, you’ll all be turned into garden gnomes!

Pack your costume, grab your party hat, and step aboard our venerable riverboat, The Mississippi Mistress, as we prepare to set sail down the “Big Muddy” for New Orleans and Mardi Gras! Woooo-hooo! The mighty Captain “Crawdaddy” Cretin will help you navigate the shoals, sand bars, (and wet bars), while Scooter, the Porter, and your Cruise Director, Lucy Belle Juniper, see to your comfort and entertainment. Watch out for the other passengers (They look pretty suspicious). Someone might not make it to the “Big Easy” alive.

Montana Smith has snatched the Golden Crocodile of the Amazon from its South American home. Now it’s about to be unveiled at the Municipal Museum of Natural History, but everyone’s been acting rather strangely. Could it be the dreaded Curse of the Golden Crocodile? Hmm? Join us for the gala event of the season to find out (but don’t turn your back on the museum staff).

Noses up, everyone. You and the other members of the posh Pfieffer Hills Country Club are gathering to consider applications for membership and you want to look your snobby best. Members of the wealthy elite are dying to get in, or rather, are waiting for you to die so they can get in. A word to the wise, dear member: some applicants are less patient than others.

Something’s cooking at Frogtort’s School for Culinary Wizardry and it smells like trouble. Harry Crocker returns after twenty-five years to save his alma mater but not everyone’s happy to see him, to say the least. Professor Fumblepork is calling all wizards. Join Professors McMonalogue and Crepe, even Harry’s old friend Herhiane, as they try to pay off centuries of back taxes and avoid a hostile takeover by the Ministry of Magic.

All the world’s a stage, but some stages are worth more than others. Welcome to the historic White Tulip, the seediest theater in London, yet a place everyone seems to want. Tonight, a tycoon temptress and her tawdry toady take on a territorial thespian and his trollop of a treasurer in a tussle for title of this theatrical tenement. What valuable secrets lie behind the scenes, and how far will someone go to unearth them? Let the buyer beware: At this showplace greed steals every scene and dying on stage could be more than a figure of speech.

The Mega-corporation Arrested Developments has come to the old Possum Estate, sight of the tragic mining disaster oh, so many years ago, with the desire to turn it into a huge aquarium. This has caused great concern among those living on (and below) the estate. In fact, the zombie descendants of the miners trapped in the disaster have hired a lawyer and plan a class-action lawsuit. The local newspaper is going to have a field day with this one. Gather around, good townsfolk, and let the battle begin!

Play ball! Come on out to the ball park, loyal followers. It’s media day and your hometown Sympronius Swamp Turtles are getting ready for yet another pathetic season of shabby, losing baseball. Make sure you wear your protective gear this year, sports fans. Jobs are now on the line and the new owner plays rough. Really, really rough.

Welcome to the Western Sahara and the tiny camel-trading nation of Yerbuti. Tonight, Ambassador Lassiter plans to announce a peace accord between the Yerbuti and their ancient enemies, the Fugari. Hold onto your pith helmet. Rumor has it that Yerbuti might be sitting on a large, untapped deposit of oil and you know what that means. Everyone will be going all out to get their hands on Yerbuti.

It’s 1927 and local radio personality Nevelle Haspin invites you to the broadcast of a gala reception for silent film diva Lorraine Bowes who is making a film portraying hometown hero and notorious WWI spy Florence Goode a.k.a. Hata Mahma. Joining Lorraine will be her leading man, if he’s sober, Roland DeHay, and Lorraine’s agent, Harold “Hawk” Toohey. Arriving without an invitation is nationally syndicated gossip columnist Helena Handbasquet. Be careful. These celebrities autograph with poisoned pens.

Sheriff Shelly Moganagle is calling an emergency town meeting for you and everybody else in Pine Bluffs to try and figure out where in the heck all these cows are disappearing to. Roland McBurger’s new hamburger joint? Cattle rustlers? Down at the Crazy Kegger folks are saying it’s alien cow abduction! The Sheriff is taking no chances and has called in the FBI. Be there when Special Agents Molding and Sulky arrive. They’ll need all the help they can get.

Henry King the Eighth is experiencing a royal pain. His Sperling Renaissance Faire is failing and with it his family fortune. Ye Goode Olde Days seem gone for good but his scheming lawyer has come up with a knavish plan that just might save him. He now must match wits with a fortune teller in search of fortune, a queen who will do anything to keep her throne, and a preening knight with a serious case of lance envy. Drink deeply from your mead and hang onto your codpiece. The affairs of this Faire may soon turn deadly.

When night falls on Toyland Town, some elves play rough. But it’s nothing compared to what happens on The Island of Misfit Toys: the seamy underbelly of the North Pole; Santa’s dirty little secret. It’s no place for an elf, especially on Christmas Eve. Nick’s partner, Smiles Thirdly, just found that out. Twice, at close range. Nick needs your help to investigate, but if you come to The Island, don’t be a sap. Act like a misfit and blend in. Better yet, just be yourself.

Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum! Avast ye, maties! It be Christmas time in the year 1757 in Merry Olde England. The scuttlebutt is that all the famous pirates of the day be gathering down by the docks at London’s infamous Finch and Pickle Tavern. ‘Tis true, me hardies, and they be cooking up the most dastardly deed of all time. Come the tide, they be sailing to the North Pole to kidnap old Saint Nick himself! Hold on to your parrot, bucco. This meeting could get rowdy!

Millie the copy girl has packed her favorite portfolio of copies and headed for the North Pole with hopes of marrying the big guy. Things go south fast, however, when she finds she’s stepped into a crime scene. Someone has stolen all the Christmas toys right before they were to be packed into Santa’s sleigh and now everyone is a suspect. It’s going to be one heck of a Christmas Eve figuring out who’s been naughty or nice.

Everyone who is anyone in the high-stakes, competitive world of professional cat showing is here tonight for the annual Catalina Cat Club holiday dinner and awards banquet. This once tiny event has grown from a friendly competition into an international frenzy of flying fur and flashing claws: and that’s just the owners (especially Marielle Ann DeVozz). Founder and host, Cy Ameze, invites you to come and raise a glass to this year’s winner of the prestigious, jewel-encrusted Kitty Cup. That is, if you’re still alive by the end of the evening.

The milkman, Skeevya, and his family have been forced to leave their beloved little village of Havavodka and immigrate to America. The quaint Russian countryside has been replaced by the bright lights of New York City and the old world traditions have been replaced by the new world permissions. In fact, Skeevya now has a new job . . . with the Russian mafia! At last he is a rich man but how long can it last? Remember: you’re gonna get a little on you when you’re playing in the borscht.

Shirley Maxwell has gathered the media together to announce that her company, Wonder Labs, is back on the map with the unveiling of an incredible new invention: a time machine! Insiders say it was invented by lab assistant Nick Van Castle. Or was it really invented by has-been inventor Nathan Brandmark? Or was it stolen by Nathan who used it to go back in time and claim he invented it? Or the other way around? Whatever happened, one thing’s for sure: the clock is ticking down on someone.

Agent Double Y of Her Majesty’s Service is on another high-stakes mission. The legendary Alchemists’ Cauldron is set to be on display during a ceremony at the Sylvanian Consulate. Rumored to possess supernatural powers, the Cauldron is sought by every bad guy around the globe. Who will get it first? Who will die trying? The European crime boss? The Texas-sized American politician? The back-stabbing reporter? Or will Double Y come to the rescue again and keep the Cauldron from falling into the wrong hands?

The Tortellini Corner Market is small but proud with a distinctive fragrance, just like its owner, Papa Tortellini. Lately, life is “notta so good” for Papa. Supermarket giant Price Slasher has him in its cross-hairs as does Harry Graft, the health inspector, Mama Celeste, his wife, as well as some other shady characters. Mama mia! Papa’s counting on you and the other loyal employees of the market to come through. Don’t be late for the meeting. Papa will put the “evil eye” on you!

It’s been three years since the ghosts came to visit Scrooge and he is a changed man. He is making up for all that he has missed in life and we’re not just talking charity work. He is living La Vida Loca, baby, with expensive wine, fast women, and way too much song! Huzzah! He is throwing money around like a lottery winner in Vegas! Bob Cratchit, nephew Freddy, and the rest of the Scrooge gravy train have to stop him soon or they are all headed for the Poor House. Join us for Scrooge’s Third Annual Holiday Bash and raise a glass to old Fezziwig (but try not to be the one who goes face down in the Figgy Pudding). Cheers!

Welcome to 1961 and Club Polska where tonight local radio station WSKI will be recording their popular variety show The Hunky Dory Hour! You plan to laugh it up like always but the manager of the sausage factory where you work has mysteriously died and rumors flying around Kielbasi Park say it might be the notorious Pierogi Killer! But they’re just rumors, right? You’re not worried. The Impressive Sausage Company is sending their best man and if you can’t trust a corporate fixer, who can you trust?